I’m so sick of outbursts.

Nick and I got into a huge argument today. It was over text messages, which makes it even worse because you can’t decipher the tone. It started out with me telling him NPR did a great story on TBI’s and receiving the Purple Heart. It was saying that lots of combat vets who sustained concussions and now suffer from a TBI are not receiving Purple Hearts for their wounds, even though they are well deserved. (Remember, not all war wounds are visible!) So he then proceeds to tell me he didn’t receive his Purple Heart because of his concussion, but because of the shrapnel he took. So I told him he made me feel like an ass, because for the last 2 years I have been led to believe that his concussion was the worst of his injuries sustained. So then he flips out on me, saying why does it matter how or what got hurt, and I just assumed shit. Ok….he doesn’t talk to me about it, I only know the small bit of information he has provided with me, so with the information I do have I make assumptions! What else am I supposed to do?  I have been there every step of the way since this happened over 2 years ago, and I have supported him through it all. I have dealt with the anxiety, and the outburst, and I’m the only one he will really let his guard down around, so I get to see the good AND the bad. But I feel like I get the shit end of it all. I told him some days I feel like his VA advocate Peggy knows more about him than I do. He can talk to her. She relates to him, cuz she has PTSD too. (Not a combat vet. She walked into her house one night to find her best friend had been murdered.) And don’t get me wrong, I love that he has a great VA advocate who fights for him…but it’s not fair to me that he will talk to her before me because she understands. I may not have PTSD and understand the effects, but I CAN listen and I WILL listen. I know it is hard for him to talk about it due to the PTSD, but you can’t keep everything inside. It’ll eventually all build up and then where does it all go? I understand he deals with demons on a daily basis, and he has said to me many times before that they’re his demons, and he doesn’t want to expose them to me…but I’m not enemy here. It’s just so frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has even told me that I'm his saving grace, and he would have gone crazy long ago without me. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and I just can’t deal with the effects of PTSD. Anyone that says PTSD is not life altering can go fuck themselves. I’ve been dealing with this disorder for over 2 years now, and it never gets any easier and it never goes away. Learning to deal with it and live with it has sure been a learning experience, and obviously will continue to be.

But the day hasn’t been all that bad! The VA actually held up their end of the bargain, and got the appraisal done! They actually didn’t drag their feet on it for once. The underwriting is supposed to be done by the end of the day today, but our mortgage lender, Penny, did ask for an extension until Monday just in case she doesn’t get it done, because the underwriter didn’t get the appraisal until last night. Penny said not to worry about the underwriting at all, she knows it’s all going to work out just fine, especially since Nick is working now. When we got pre-approved it was based just on my income and Nick’s disability alone. It’s all finally coming together! Maybe I’ll get to stress a little less now.

Thank God it’s the weekend. This was a short work week, but in some ways felt longer than a normal work week. And tomorrow is September 11^th. I honestly can’t believe it’s been 9 years. God Bless America and our Troops <3