Marine Combat Veteran Quotes

Nick comes up with amazingly, hilarious quotes. On his first day of classes, I asked him how it went. He told me that he wished a could still carry an M16 around with him everywhere. He also parks his car in a satellite lot about a mile away from school because it's free. He told me he goes on a one mile patrol every day to and from school. And recently, he told me he figure out why he enjoys walking the one mile to school every day instead of taking the shuttle...because it reminds him of Iraq! It's in a run down part of Lowell, when it rains you see trash and dirty water running into the sewers, he comes to a road block at one point with jersey barriers, and most of the people he sees along his "patrol" are of different ethnicity's. I couldn't stop laughing when he told me this. I cherish these small quotes he comes up with. It lets me into a little part of his world, and plus it just pits a smile on my face. I <3 my OIF combat veteran!

I was driving home from work the other day, and the radio station I was listening to was having a poll. The poll was whether long distance relationships really work. The majority of people who called in said no, of course not. It’s hard to trust someone when they’re so far away. Communication is hard. You never get to see each other. And on and on and blah blah blah. This pissed me off. My relationship is proof that long distance relationships can and do work. I was in a long distance relationship for well over 2 years while Nick was in NC and I was still living in MA. That even spanned 7 month deployments over seas to Iraq! And we made it work. As long as you trust each other 100% and are both willing to make it work, a long distance relationship will work. You just need to want it enough.

The typical military relationship is usually a long distance relationship at some point or another. You’re apart from each other while they’re in boot camp or basic training, which is 3 months long. Then you’re apart while they’re in their MOS school which is another 3 months long. That’s at least 6 months apart. And only if you get married do you get to move to where they’re stationed. If you’re not married, usually the girlfriend stays back where they grew up. And even if you are married and live in the same place, you’re apart during training for deployments, and then during the actually deployment. Yet military relationships work. One of my best friends has spent her entire relationship away from her fiancée up until now. And they’ve made it work. Plenty of girls I have met through the military have been in this situation. I don’t know. Maybe our relationships are stronger than the typical civilian relationship. Distance is hard. It’s not for the weak. But in my opinion, it also creates a stronger bond.

And we are officially homeowners! We had our closing Thursday afternoon, and it went on record Friday morning. So, it’s official! We also didn’t have to pay any money at closing, since had asked for $5,000 from the seller. We actually got money back, since the VA Funding Fee was waived due to Nick being a disabled veteran.  We couldn’t be any happier or more excited about our purchase. I can’t wait to move in and start decorating! I already have so many ideas in my head! We bought a queen size bob-o-pedic last night as well as a couch for our living room. I ordered an electric fireplace for our living room today, and I'm about to go to Bed Beth and Beyond! It feels so good to have my own piece of property. And so adult! I’ll see how I feel on November 1^st when I have to make that first mortgage payment ;)

No Matter Where I live....

...I'm always missing someone.

And it fucking sucks,

When I lived in North Carolina, I was constantly missing home, my friends, my family, the Red Sox, and New England in general. We were always missing out on weddings, birthdays, and just random family get togethers. It was really hard on me. When we found out we would be leaving NC to come back home, it almost seemed too good to be true. Although I was sad to be leaving NC behind, I was finally going home again.

Right after we got back to Massachusetts, I kept missing NC and the Marine Corps. Every day something reminded me of that life, and I would be sad and miss it. This went on until I got my job at W.B. Mason. Then we started looking for a house, and I never had that feeling of nostalgia or missing that life. I was too bust to notice, or care really.

Then yesterday I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of missing NC and the Marine Corps. It started with a morning conversation with a friend down there, and it made me realize how much I missed living across the parking lot from her. It was so nice to have a friend so close, to just hang out with, make dinners with, and just talk to, And then the conversation ended with her saying she was headed to the beach with 2 of my other friends that live there. It made me miss hanging out with those 2 girls, and the beach in NC. Then I went to WalMart to pick up 2 prescriptions yesterday, and they were $20 each. Gone are the days of TriCare and $3 prescriptions. And then at dinner, the conversation went towards 401k and savings for the future. And it made me sad to think about how Nick was going to go career with the Marine Corps and get that sweet Military pension. I guess I’m just always going to miss that part of my life. It was a brief part of my life, but it was a huge part of it with a huge impact. Plus, as the story goes with military lives and friends, everyone ends up moving away anyways. Some of my best friends that I’ve made through the military live in Florida and Michigan now. So, regardless of where I live, someone I care about will always be in another place, and I will always be missing someone.

And the good news for today is…we should be closing on our house Wednesday! That is one of the BIG perks of moving back home and staying in one place permanently. I finally get to be a home owner! It’s going to be a great feeling when those keys are handed to us Wednesday afternoon :) I can’t wait!!!!

Today is POW/MIA recognition Day. Thank you to all that have served, who do serve, and have made the ultimate sacrifice for this country. This goes out to those who were KIA. May they rest in peace.

And next, I'm going to add a little insight to my life, and the life as a military spouse. Enjoy :)

We don’t have ranks. We don’t have badges. We don’t fight fires, chase bad guys. We are not heroes. We carry no weapons. We do not drive government vehicles.

We are a hidden society, living amongst you. We serve you food. We wash your laundry. We answer your phone calls. We are not hidden at all. What we are is only known to those who are us. We are those who wait months. Years. All for a phone call. We wait for letters. E-mails. Texts. The presence of those we yearn to smell again. We are always remembering. Always thinking. Always fighting. We never forget. We carry our hearts on our sleeves for fear that if we can’t see our emotions, they’ll disappear into the evening wind. We do not mourn. We cry. We weep. We sob. We fight. We never forget the emptiness in our hearts that we wait to be filled in time’s come. We are the women who fight for our men who fight for our nation. We do not share families. We do not share leases. What we share is beyond comprehension, beyond what words can say. We stand tall and fight hard. We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that is our greatest fear of all. What we do and who we are is everything you wish you were. Everything you wish you weren’t.

We entered this society not knowing if we would make it out alive. But we fight, and we fight hard. We fight every day. We fight every second of every minute of every hour of every day for years. We don’t know when we will stop fighting. We just keep fighting.

This is our tale of our wars.

There is much to be said of a Marine spouse. Some of us entered these relationships knowing that we would be facing a difficult task in our future. Some of us entered blindly, knowing of the existing fight, but not knowing what it means until it’s too late, until we look to our shoulder and see the blue cord hanging from the threads of our hearts. Some of us entered these relationships before the war, before the fight. We supported, and we were proud. We welcomed our PFCs home with open arms, not realizing that those arms would soon be empty. Some of have been at this for days. Some of us for weeks, and for our veterans, years. We have lost many women to this war, for it takes a strong heart and a willingness to fight and stay alive. We support each other when a soldier returns home to the one he missed most, yet we are jealous, because we want our soldiers home too.

I am here to share with you our stories of our lives, as true as we can be. Why? Because we do not live a fairytale by any means. We stand with our backs straight and our eyes forward for we are proud of what we wait for.

This pride is what we hold dear, because when you’re standing behind enemy lines, the pride that you carry inside is what pushes you through.

Things That Irritate Me

So today’s blog is about some of the things that irritate me! Cuz so many things in life do. Most people don’t want to listen to me bitch about them…except for Nick, God Bless him. But my blog is a safe place to bitch. If you don’t like it, don’t read it! J

The first thing that irritates me: People who don’t speak English. You’re in fucking America! Learn the language! If I decided to move to your country because I felt like it would give me a better life, I would learn to speak your language! I should not have to press 1 for English, or struggle to understand you because you haven’t taken then time to learn the language of the country you’re living in. This has become even more of an issue for me over the last few months since I started my job. Apparently, everyone who works in Accounts Payable doesn’t speak English. It’s wicked frustrating! Some foreign bitch who barely spoke English asked me today how to spell my name. Amy? Really? It’s not that fucking hard!

Another thing that irritates me: This goes along with the speaking English thing. I hate when I call somewhere and the call center is in freaking India! I called Dish Network this morning, and like always, I got an Indian Customer Service Rep. It’s not fair to me to be speaking to someone who barely speaks English, and it’s not fair to Americans! The unemployment rate is at an all time high, and people are struggling to find jobs. These people would GLADLY take a job in a call center if it were offered to them. Instead we contract these things out to India? Not fucking cool.

Driving irritates me. Every time Nick and I go out, I make him drive because driving pisses me off so badly. I was merging onto I-95 yesterday on my way home from work, and some asshole had the nerve to beep at me because I merged on in front of him. Oh, geee, I’m sorry sir. Was I not supposed to merge onto the highway? I’m SO sorry I cut in front of you, so now you’re going to make it home 2 seconds after you should have. Fuck you. We’re all trying to get somewhere, ass.

People in general irritate me. I have this girl on my facebook who thinks her life is so god damn perfect, and she goes as far as to call herself a princess and admits that she gets whatever she wants, Ummm hello, newsflash, life doesn’t revolve around you! And I just find more and more people just care about themselves, and don’t give a shit about anyone else. Maybe I’m just sensitive, or maybe it’s because I almost always put other people first. I don’t know. But it really bothers me. I could delete this bitch off my facebook, but 1) It’s pretty good entertainment to have her on there most of the time and 2) I honestly don’t know how to delete someone off facebook.

I also hate when guys in the military go around bragging about the “shit they did and saw” over seas. It’s annoying. I can guarantee the shit they’re running their mouth about isn’t true. If you really saw it, and you really experienced it, you don’t talk about it. Why would you want to talk about watching civilians die? Or your buddies dying? Or about the missions you did? To sound cool? It pisses me off. Nick NEVER talks about his deployments. He hates to. I don’t even know much about them, and I’m the closest person to him. He doesn’t share it with anyone. He said the only people that know what really went on are the guys that were there beside him. No one else needs to know the horror of what he’s seen, the nightmare he’s had to live, and the demons he has to live with now. If you’ve really been through it, you would feel the same way. I also hate when guys claim they have PTSD when they really don’t. They claim it to try and get money out of the VA for disability. I feel like it’s spitting in my husbands face, as well as any another combat vet that has PTSD.

And that leads me to another thing that irritates me which is something that is very near and dear to my heart. I hate, Hate, HATE when people compare Iraq and Afghanistan. They are 2 totally different wars. And I hate when people act like Afghanistan is a worse war to be involved in that Iraq. First of all, war is war, and it sucks to be involved period. Second of all, you just can’t compare the two! And people so easily forget we were just involved in Iraq in a heavy combat role just a year ago! It’s funny, when I was a sleep tech in 2008 during Nick’s 2^nd deployment, Iraq was all over the news, and all anyone knew about. I would make small talk with my patients, and bring up the fact that my boyfriend was in the Marine Corps. So they would ask questions about if he’s deployed, and blah blah blah. We would talk about the war and how we shouldn’t be there and all the same crap, and then I would bring up Afghanistan and people would look at me like I had 5 heads. Afghanistan? We’re there? I would always say yes, we have troops there now, that’s where Al Qaeda is after all. And then we would move onto a new subject. Now, people seem to forget we were ever in Iraq. I now know how those poor wives must have felt for the 7 years we were in Iraq. No one gave their husbands any recognition. I feel like what my husband did is forgotten. Iraq was a HUGE deal. We were there for over 7 years! Thousands of men and women died, including one Nick’s best friends. Thousands more have been injured. No one should EVER discredit what those men and women did over there. If your husband has never been to Iraq, don’t pass judgment. Don’t say the conditions in Afghanistan are worse than Iraq. Iraq is also a third world country, with no running water, with temps that get to be over 120 degrees. It was still a war with insurgents ready to kill at anytime. Don’t ever try to say Nick’s deployments were easy. He received his Combat Action Ribbon his first deployment (so obviously combat was involved) and he and his squad were blown up on his second deployment earning him a Purple Heart as well as a Navy and Marine Achievement Medal with Valor. I don’t think he would have received any of those things if there hadn’t been combat. It was best said by a facebook group we both joined once that said “Have you ever been to Iraq? No? Fuck you then, you don’t know shit.” And it’s true. Don’t pass judgment if you don’t know. There’s a reason our troops were sent to Iraq over Afghanistan for so many years, and that’s because it was the hot spot. My husband happened to join during a time when Iraq was the hot spot, and he got sent there twice. Not like he asked or anything. So girls, next time you’re about to talk about Afghanistan like it’s so much more bad ass, think about who your audience is. My husband takes great pride in what he did. His unit accomplished great things in Iraq. Look them up: 3^rd Battalion, 6^th Marines. They’re pretty bad ass J

To end this on a happy note, we got bank commitment on the house Monday!!! It’s all coming together. September 30^th is right around the corner!!! Eeeeekkk!!!

This one goes out to my girls...

They are always there for me, no questions asked. It is amazing to have such a great network of people to go to whenever I need it. Whether I need a hug, a shoulder to dry on, someone to vent to, or to make me laugh, I know I can count on them. I’m pretty lucky to have such amazing friends. Not everyone gets that lucky in life.

The first shout out goes to my military girls. No one understands me like they do. Only they know the strain put on a relationship by distance. Only they know the agonizing, heart wrenching pain of watching the man you love most in this world walk away from you to get on a bus that will take him away from you for 7 months (or more!) to a war ridden country. Only they understand the trials and tribulations a deployment can bring. They understand the fear that you may never see your loved one again, and the pain you feel at night as you lay alone in bed, crying yourself to sleep, wondering, hoping, and praying that he is safe and God is watching over him. They understand how you HAVE to be strong, whether you like it or not, during a deployment. Even when the world seems to kick you down repeatedly, you need to remain strong on the outside, even though you’re probably freaking out on the inside. They also understand the feeling of independence you gain from a deployment, and how amazing it feels to know you can do so many things on your own like mow the lawn, or get the car fixed, keep the house going, fix random things, etc. They understand what it’s like to be married to a man who has answered the call to serve his country, and that he has so much pride in what he does, and that the military is his mistress, and the military ALWAYS comes first….that bitch gets WAY too much attention! They also understand how important the friendships are in the military, and they are always there for you no matter what. BECAUSE they understand. Military girls know we get through this life because of each other. And they haven’t gone anywhere since I’ve moved away, or since they have moved away. Anytime I need someone to understand the military aspect of my life, they’re there for me without questions asked. Especially those who know what it’s like to live with someone who had PTSD and a TBI. They still understand me like no other. Because I will forever be a Marine Corps Wife. If the saying is true “Once a Marine, always a Marine,” then it must be the same for the wives. “Once a Marine Corps Wife, Always a Marine Corps Wife.” So to all my military girls….whether you’re a gf, a fiancée, a wife, or former gf/fiancée/wife…thank you. You are the strongest and most amazing girls I know. Thanks for being the best friends I can ask for.

I of course can’t leave out my girls from home. They know the part of me that isn’t military. They know me from before I lived the military life. And that means so much to me. I have a much longer history with these girls, and they also know me in a way my military girls don’t. And they are physically here in person for me. They are all there for me to listen, even if they don’t understand completely what it is that I’m going through. They are always willing to give a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, and that means more to me than any of them will probably ever know. They were the ones there to support me in person while Nick was deployed. They kept me sane, busy, and feeling loved. And they are just flat out fun to be around. I also have to throw my guy friends into this category, cuz they especially keep me laughing. I seriously have the best group of friends anyone could ask for here at home. We’re always there for each other, and can always count on each other.

I guess you can consider yourself pretty lucky in life when you have a great group of friends to support you and keep you laughing. Thank you to all my wonderful friends. You make my life complete <3

One of my friends on facebook posted a link to another girls blog on her page the other day, and said she was a true inspiration. I clicked on it out of curiosity, to see why this girl was a true inspiration. I proceeded to bawl my eyes out. The girl had just lost her boyfriend in Afghanistan on September 2^nd. She laid him to rest on September 8^th. She is only 21 years old. How can life be so cruel? He was her high school sweetheart, and they were supposed to get married after he returned from his tour in Afghanistan. Now she’s never going to get that. 2 weeks ago they had their whole lives together, and now she has to move on, with a shattered heart. It gives me chills every time I think about it.

The military relationship is a unique one because of that alone. You can become a VERY young widow. And for the most part, we are all way too young to have to deal with that in our lives. The average age of the enlisted is 18-26 years old. No one should have to deal with the loss of their spouse at those ages. When you get married, you expect to live a long and fulfilling life with your spouse. But in most marriages, you’re not sending your spouse off to war. Instead, thousands of spouses have had to lay their significant other to rest at way too young of an age due to war. I have always said that in a military relationship, you love harder then those in civilian relationships, because there is always that chance that your loved one won’t return to you. It is one of the scariest things to think about. I could have easily been this girl. Nick could have very easily been killed on his 2 tours to Iraq. I told him numerous times that if he ever deployed a third time, I didn’t think he would be coming home to me. I feel so close to this girl, even though I don’t know her. The bonds between military wives/gfs/fiancées are one of the strongest you will ever see. We may not know each other personally, but we understand each other 100%. God bless this young lady, as well as her Marine whom is a hero to all of us. May he keep watch over her in Heaven, and God rest his soul.

Never Forget

I can't believe it's been 9 years today since the largest terrorist attack on this country. 9/11 has always had a huge impact on me. I'll never forget walking out of my gym class my senior year of high school, and seeing the Twin Towers on fire in the TV in the lobby. We then turned on the news coverage in class, and watched as the towers fell to the ground. It still gives me chills to this day thinking about it. Every year, I am impacted by this day. But it means even more to me, after being married to a Marine. I'm married to a man who made the decision to enlist after 9/11. He made the decision to enlist knowing he would be deployed to the middle east. And he didn't half ass his decision to join, he went all out and became a grunt, and a rifleman at that. He chose the hardest job in the Marine Corps. He joined to fight, and fight he did. It makes me so proud to be married to a man who had enough courage to stand up and fight for this country. Land of the free, because of the brave. God Bless America. And NEVER FORGET <3

I’m so sick of outbursts.

Nick and I got into a huge argument today. It was over text messages, which makes it even worse because you can’t decipher the tone. It started out with me telling him NPR did a great story on TBI’s and receiving the Purple Heart. It was saying that lots of combat vets who sustained concussions and now suffer from a TBI are not receiving Purple Hearts for their wounds, even though they are well deserved. (Remember, not all war wounds are visible!) So he then proceeds to tell me he didn’t receive his Purple Heart because of his concussion, but because of the shrapnel he took. So I told him he made me feel like an ass, because for the last 2 years I have been led to believe that his concussion was the worst of his injuries sustained. So then he flips out on me, saying why does it matter how or what got hurt, and I just assumed shit. Ok….he doesn’t talk to me about it, I only know the small bit of information he has provided with me, so with the information I do have I make assumptions! What else am I supposed to do?  I have been there every step of the way since this happened over 2 years ago, and I have supported him through it all. I have dealt with the anxiety, and the outburst, and I’m the only one he will really let his guard down around, so I get to see the good AND the bad. But I feel like I get the shit end of it all. I told him some days I feel like his VA advocate Peggy knows more about him than I do. He can talk to her. She relates to him, cuz she has PTSD too. (Not a combat vet. She walked into her house one night to find her best friend had been murdered.) And don’t get me wrong, I love that he has a great VA advocate who fights for him…but it’s not fair to me that he will talk to her before me because she understands. I may not have PTSD and understand the effects, but I CAN listen and I WILL listen. I know it is hard for him to talk about it due to the PTSD, but you can’t keep everything inside. It’ll eventually all build up and then where does it all go? I understand he deals with demons on a daily basis, and he has said to me many times before that they’re his demons, and he doesn’t want to expose them to me…but I’m not enemy here. It’s just so frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has even told me that I'm his saving grace, and he would have gone crazy long ago without me. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and I just can’t deal with the effects of PTSD. Anyone that says PTSD is not life altering can go fuck themselves. I’ve been dealing with this disorder for over 2 years now, and it never gets any easier and it never goes away. Learning to deal with it and live with it has sure been a learning experience, and obviously will continue to be.

But the day hasn’t been all that bad! The VA actually held up their end of the bargain, and got the appraisal done! They actually didn’t drag their feet on it for once. The underwriting is supposed to be done by the end of the day today, but our mortgage lender, Penny, did ask for an extension until Monday just in case she doesn’t get it done, because the underwriter didn’t get the appraisal until last night. Penny said not to worry about the underwriting at all, she knows it’s all going to work out just fine, especially since Nick is working now. When we got pre-approved it was based just on my income and Nick’s disability alone. It’s all finally coming together! Maybe I’ll get to stress a little less now.

Thank God it’s the weekend. This was a short work week, but in some ways felt longer than a normal work week. And tomorrow is September 11^th. I honestly can’t believe it’s been 9 years. God Bless America and our Troops <3

Stress: The Story of My Life

I’m a worrier and a very high stress person. It’s what I do best. It's probably why I have high blood pressure. I’m told all the time to just breathe and relax by most of the people around me. But I find it extremely difficult to do so. I like to have control, and be in control at all times. If there is a situation out of my control, I will stress about it until it gets cleared up. I stress and worry from the little things, like making it to work on time every day, to the big things, like if the world really IS going to end in 2012. Ok, maybe not. I really don’t stress about that. But you get the point. I worry about everything that is coming up in my near future. It amazes me I made it through any deployment without having a stroke. When Nick was in the re-enlistment process, I stressed and worried every day what the outcome was. I’m pretty sure I did enough stressing and worrying for the both of us. Then when we made the decision to move back home, the stress became even worse. What about paying for the move? What about money? What about bills? What about jobs? Where will we live? I mean, I can’t complain. For having a one month notice to check out of NC and back into MA, we’ve been pretty lucky. My mom and stepdad took us in, no questions asked, and no rent asked, and has enabled us to save A LOT. We did a ditty move out of NC, and it covered the whole cost and then some. We also received money for our drives back to MA. Nick sold back 30 leave days and got 2 paychecks out of the deal, plus his last pay for his last few weeks in the Marine Corps. He also got $4,000 for a study he did in Texas on active duty military with TBI’s, which helped A LOT. He got 70% disability from the VA on his first claim, so we didn’t have dispute anything which was amazing. And I was lucky enough to land a job at WB Mason thanks to my dad getting me in for an interview. Nick even has found part time work for while he’s going to school. But, I still have a million other things I find myself stressing and worrying about. We didn’t have cash to pay for parking at Alewife one night a few weeks ago, and were given an envelope and an address to write a check to for payment. We were told if we didn’t pay it we would be fined $500. I paid it the next day, but the check just cashed today. Seriously? That was a month of worrying. I worry about Nick every day he goes to class. How’s his anxiety? How is he reacting to people? The crowds? Participating in class? Is he going to snap and go all PTSD on someone? (Which is rare. He can control his out bursts pretty well.  I’m the only person he really lets his guard down around.) But I think I have reason to worry when he says he wishes he could still carry an M16 around with him everywhere he goes, and that he sits in the back of the class room so he can see everyone who enters and exits. I’ll feel better about all that when he gets his PTSD service dog and can take him to class. But my latest BIG stress activity is…the home buying process.

My mother told me it was an extremely stressful process. She wasn’t kidding! It was fun at first. We got pre-approved for a VA Loan right away. Finding a realtor was no sweat, since we decided to go with our friend Rich’s mom, Mary. Then there was the fun part at looking at houses. It’s a lot of fun to go into houses and see what people think is good decorating taste. We saw a lot of trashed houses that had been foreclosed on, and we saw houses that looked like they hadn’t been updated since the 60s and 70s. It was hard to find something that fit my taste in our price range. The first house we put an offer on was a short sale that wasn’t bank approved. It broke my heart to think that it would take months for our offer to be accepted, since I loved the house. Our realtor suggested we look at other houses in the mean time. Thank God she suggested that, because I found an amazing, gorgeous, updated house in Lowell right in our price range that WASN’T a short sale! Our offer was accepted when 24 hours. Before I knew it, we were dropping $2,500 as good faith payment, and $450 on the home inspection. The house passed the home inspection with very minor things needing to be done. We then did our baking application and locked in an interest rate of 4.25% for 30 years. This all happened within 3 days. It was crazy! I had no time to have buyers remorse. We then signed our purchase and sale a week after our offer was accepted. So basically the house is under agreement, and it can’t be swiped out from under us by anyone else. But now we wait. We wait for the appraisal to be done, and we wait for our financing to be finalized. I preferred when things moved quicker. When I have time to think, I have time to worry and stress. What if the house doesn’t appraise out? What if our financing doesn’t go through after all? I’ve been terrified to spend ANY kind of money, because I don’t want the mortgage lender to think we’re irresponsible. It’s been weighing so much on my mind lately. When we signed the purchase and sale, we were told the appraisal and financing should be finalized by September 10^th. That’s tomorrow. I highly doubt it’s going to be done by then. The VA takes their sweet ass time on everything. Just gives me more time to sweat it all out. I won’t stop stressing until the keys to that house are in my hands on September 30^th. So close, yet so far away..

On a happier note, Nick gets to take a ride with a state trooper today to Mass General. Last time he drove to MGH for his Dr. appointment with the Home Base program, he got lost coming home and got into an accident with my car, when some jerk backed out of a parking lot without looking and right into my car. Needless to say, it was an aggravation he didn’t need, so he told his VA Advocate he wouldn’t drive anymore. His VA Advocate is amazing, and I am so thankful he got hooked up with a good one. She made the arrangement with the statie so he doesn’t have to drive in anymore. He also got his first essay back in his writing class, and apparently his professor loved what he wrote. He asked me if he could hang it on the fridge, haha. I sat in my cubicle at work literally laughing out loud when he sent me that text. I also told my supervisor about it, and we both got a good laugh out of it. One of the things I love about him is that he can always make me laugh J It makes everything I’ve gone through with him worth it. After all, at the end of the day, I’d rather be laughing than crying. 

Can I also mention you can feel fall in the air today? I'm so excited! I can't wait for the fall :) I missed the New England fall while I was in NC. It's nice to be home :)

The Aftermath of War

To shed a little light into what I go through on a daily basis...this is a poem by Chris Woolnough called "The Aftermath of War".

We found a wounded veteran,
And held him in our hearts.
We've seen the bravest soldier,
Break down and fall apart.
Yet we love our heroes, 
Like no other has before. 
We're the wives of combat veterans, 
In the Aftermath of War.
We had to learn the hard way,
When coping with PTSD, 
That their war is never over, 
And freedom is never free.
We bandage up their broken hearts,
The best we can each day.
We see the scars upon their souls, 
That never go away. 
Knowing we can't heal the wounds,
That cut their very core.
We're just trudging through the trenches,
In the Aftermath of War.
We've seen them lose their faith in God,
And in the human race,
As they try to hide the anguish,
That's still written on their face.
We've witnessed all the symptoms,
That they're not willing to admit.
We've dodged the screaming bullets,
And been crawling in the #@@!.
We've felt the anger, guilt and blame,
Of these men that we adore.
As we stumble on the battlefield,
In the Aftermath of War.
Each day we share the horrors,
Of a pain they can't forget,
And we feel we lived through combat, 
Because we love a vet.
But we are all survivors,
And we're learning how to cope.
Hanging on with all our might,
Just holding onto hope.
And our soldier's heart will cry out,
That they couldn't love us more.
Because we're sitting in their foxhole,
In the Aftermath of War.

I swore I would never blog....

....and yet here I am. I swore I would never do it, because I used to have a Livejournal and it just created unnecessary drama. This will probably create unnecessary drama at some point as well, but oh well. It's my right to speak my mind. Thank you freedom of speech! I have so much built up inside of me these days, I just don't know how else to express it, or let it out, since it seems like no one else really understands. How did I get to this point? The question is easy.

I fell in love with a Marine.

A grunt at that.

I never expected to end up with Nick. I met him the summer of 2004 when he was 17 and had just graduated high school. If you had asked me back then who I would have ended up marrying, I would have told you Shane, my long term boyfriend at the time. Never in a million years did I expect to marry Nick. Funny how things happen.

Our relationship wasn't easy from the start. For one thing, I was in Massachusetts and he was stationed in North Carolina. Oh, and there's that wonderful thing that every military wife/girlfriend/fiancee dreads: Deployment. There is nothing more heart wrenching than kissing the one person you love most in the world, and saying "see you later" (Cuz it's NEVER goodbye in a military relationship) and praying to God with all that you have in you that he will be safe for the next 210 days, give or take a few.

It wasn't even 2 months into Nick's second deployment to Iraq when it got ugly. I was woken up at 5:00 AM on May 24th to the sound of his voice. Normally, that was a great feeling. Not that morning. That morning brought bad news. "Our squad got hit by an IED while we were on a foot patrol earlier today." I shot up in bed, tears immediately pouring down my face. "I'm alright, I'm alright" he kept trying to reassure me. Of course he couldn't give me details. Nick, being the second to last in line, was one of the luckier ones. He ended up with a class 2 concussion (which would later create worse injuries) and some slight shrapnel wounds. One of his best friends later died due to injuries sustained that day, and another good friend lost his right leg. I spent the next 5 months of my life in fear. In fear that the next phone call I got from an unknown number or restricted number would be the call telling me my Marine was seriously injured, or even worse, dead. I don't think I literally breathed until the moment he was standing back in front of me.

Once he was home, things seemed to be back to normal. He proposed a month after he was home, and we got married about 2 and 1/2 months later, and I moved to be with him in NC a month after we got married. Once I was living with him full time, it became very apparent that he wasn't the same care free guy he was before his second deployment to Iraq. It became even worse when he was given word that he would have to deploy for a third time to Iraq in September. Even though he would be a short time deployer, he was encouraged to extend to serve the full amount of time in country. I think the reality of doing a third tour, and the possibility of losing more friends and more men, and possibly himself, pushed him to the brink. Our friend Rob (whom had lost his leg during the IED blast) suggested that Nick get checked for post traumatic stress syndrome and a traumatic brain injury. Things moved quickly after that. He tested positive for both PTSD and a TBI and was treated for both. He was put on limited duty, meaning no training for 6 months and no deployments, due to the fact that the next severe concussion he received could kill him. Things started to improve once he started treatment. Many people complain about the treatment out vets receive, but Nick received phenomenal treatment through the military and Tricare. He had a great therapist who finally got through to him, and got him to open up, and freely talk about May 23, 2008. He even started talking about re-enlisting into an MOS that would be non deployable or in a non combat role.

The re-enlistment never happened. He got strung along, saying it would be one more month and to extend for another month. When they finally denied his package due to no funds in the Marine Corps but to try again in September, he had no more extensions left. We were basically given a month's notice to pack up our lives in NC and move back to MA.We peaced out of NC and the Marine Corps Memorial Day weekend of this year.

The point of this blog is that the transition has NOT been easy. Everyone says the transition from Military to civilian is never easy. But nothing could have prepared me for this. It has got to be even harder when said Marine has PTSD mixed with a TBI. Both things were never really apparent to me in NC. Maybe it's because we lived in a town full of Marines and he felt comfortable. Maybe it was the fact that he still had a structured life while he was there. Maybe it's because people there understood him and didn't look at him any differently. Whatever it was, our lives in NC are nothing like they are here in MA. His anxiety is at an all time high. His nightmares seem to be getting worse. Everywhere we go, he has to be able to see the exists at all times, see who is coming and who is going, and has a plan to kill everyone if necessary. He's also drawn back into himself, and doesn't show emotion anymore. His mood swings are much worse, and he goes from what he calls Nick to Dick in about .2 seconds. We fight more often, because I don't know how to just walk away. It also doesn't help that we're currently at my mom's house while we wait to close on a  house. We have limited places to get away from each other.

No one here understands what I'm going through.Massachusetts isn't exactly known as a military state, or New England in general. I feel if I were to tell people about my feelings, they would think I am exaggerating or lying. Trust me, PTSD is no joke, and I would NEVER make shit up. It's just so hard to find someone around here that relates. The girls who understand me best lives thousands of miles away form me in states like Florida and Indiana. Thankfully technology has bridged the means of communication so it is easy to get in touch with these girls if needed...but it's not the same as being in the same room as them, and getting a hug from someone who understands and being able to cry on their shoulders. So I guess I'm doing this to try and get some shit off my mind and vent. I'm sick of acting like all is calm and good on the outside, when I;m screaming on the inside. It may not be pretty, but this is my life, the life married to a Marine OIF Combat Veteran. Semper Fidelis.